here's my heart it's a start.

feelin' hot hot hot

Thu, 05 May 2005 15:32:18 GMT

Oh man..just have to take this last final tonight and then i can do whatever i want! * I'm gonna finish up all my knitting projects * try to play guitar * listen to records and hunt for new ones * save up for the bike i've been drooling over, buy it and ride it * finish that quilt I said I'd get done in time for Mother's day * go to some places in my Indiana hiking book * go to some baseball games with tom * read for pleasure...I have sooo many books I wanna read * repot my plants..they're busting at the seams! * take a trip to D.C. to see my Grace * and work on getting this apartment more organized. This summmer should be a lot of fun...i have so many things i want to do..so I'm not gonna hype it up and make too many plans..I have to work a lot and I'm taking a summer class..but I don't think that will be so bad at all...so yeah, just gotta take this final! time to study

Sat, 30 Apr 2005 23:46:59 GMT

I had to work my first funeral today. It was a little creepy..cause they had a showing last night, so this morning when i opened up the sanctuary, there the caskit was, open as well. My boss told me right as I was going to unlock the doors, thank goodness! It was a long day, the six hours I was there just flew by because there was so much to do. It was just a hard environment cause I was going on little sleep and then to see everyone so sad and crying was so hard to see. I just hate seeing others upset. It did kind of make my job feel more meaningful..just to clean and set things up and make coffee..anything that might make the family feel the slightest bit more comfortable. I used to be so afraid of death..like when I was little, I went hysterical after watching the movie All Dogs Go to Heaven. The ending freaked me out! I felt so sad for the little girl as Charlie made his way toward the light. My mom had the hardest time trying to get me to calm down. Same thing when my guinnea pig, Princess died. Actually those two events are flip-flopped because the movie actually triggered more sadness for having lost Princess. Anyway, that's besides the point. Without going into the normal cliches associated with people contemplating death and ultimately life, I'll just say that being at work for that long with so many people hurting..with people who lost a best friend, a brother, a lover, a son, and whoever else Gene was to so many was kind of hard but I feel weirdly blessed to have experienced it. I know that sounds really strange, its just that I was thinking that most people don't experience a death or funeral unless there is some attachment or they know the person in some way..but me, i was an outsider completely detached. I wasn't even around the people attending all that much, but I guess I just did a lot of thinking and I'm not making much sense now, so I think I'm done expressing myself.
I took a little nap after work, started some laundry, I'm about to make some dinner and then Tom is going to pick me up and we're going to make lots of pancake batter for the Finals brunch the boys are having for everyone tomorrow (my boyfriend's pancakes are amazing by the way). We might watch Before Sunset..we saw Before Sunrise a while ago and I really liked it. It's such a cool idea..basically, 3/4 of the whole movie is just Ethan Hawke's character talking to a woman. It's really interesting though! It's cool to see how a movie focused so much on dialogue and hardly any action can still be really interesting. finals will be here and gone in no time and I'll be on my way to michigan for a week! i can't wait!

Thu, 28 Apr 2005 00:31:16 GMT

I've got to go study soon, but I just wanted to write a bit. I feel soooo blessed! I am learning so much when it comes to relationships. I think this year has been such a learning process when it comes to what it truley means to love others and learning patience and killing selfishness have been soo much more difficult than they have in years past. But, despite how uncomfortable it feels to realize just how little i know and just how broken our relationships can be, God has blessed me through this process with real, genuine, and sincere friendships...and of course these are all still developing. Coming back from Thailand, which is so hard to believe it was almost a year ago..this time last year I was getting shots and applying for my visa!..haha..i'm so bad when it comes to punctuation..guess that's why I like e.e. cummings so much. Anyways, coming back from Thailand really showed me how shallow I can let friendships become..and I hate to admit this because I am the type of the person who is very all or nothing..very passionate and not willing to give into the status quo...and I despise fluffy, meaningless talk that never gets personal..i really started to develop a hatred for this sort of hi, nice to meet you..how was your day?..how's life..sort of talk my freshman year when all everyone ever asked was your name, where you're from, what's your major. Not that these things aren't good to know or even good to ask someone..and not that I despised answering these questions..but when the conversation never moved forward it felt kind of akward and hum drum. I'm talking more about communication with people who aren't just aquaintences, where its sometimes so easy to just lazily not dig any deeper, don't allow conflict to ever come up, don't speak the truth in love even when it is uncomfortable, etc. I've realized how easy it is for me to be kind to people I don't see as often as it is to be to my sister or to my roomie and cousin, Jess...or to Tom, my boyfriend, who as I become more and more comfortable around..it becomes easier to take him forgranted. I am much more inclined to go out of my way for people I am not as close to and I really see how silly that is and how apathetic and lazy I've been this year at times. I am truley learning how to trust God with all aspects of my life and not compartmentalize and keep areas I think He wouldn't be concerned with all to myself. I've been affirmed several times that I am a loving and caring person...and I've foolishly made myself believe that I was in control of those characteristics. It's taken a lot, but I finally see that nothing good can come out of me without the help of the Father. If I am growing and developing the fruits of the spirit it is only because He has graciously revealed what a desperate state I am in apart from Him. I think for a while I actually didn't think I was too bad off..I had forgotten the truth that I am sinful. It is such a humbling thing to realize. And going from there...God has helped me to understand that through Christ I am completely and fully justified..I am righteous and forgiven. I am JUST now beginning to grasp that. And now, until I die, I am in a continual process of becoming more like Christ..of growing in holiness...of killing my desire to sin..of having my mind renewed and my life changed..of being sanctified..and the process continues until I meet Jesus face to face.
whew..that was a mouthful..

smiling feels so nice

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 03:11:33 GMT

so, my spring break was fabuloso!
*got to bring home a dear friend and show her around
*went hiking in the smokies (so, so, so much fun!)
*talked talked talked my ears off..with new and old friends
*feel so refreshed in every sense of the word
*did a lot of thinking
*wrapped it all up yesterday -shopping with friends and then march madness with my mom.
*started a new book today, The Transformation of the Inner Man. (woh)
*doing a teensy bit of homework before i turn in (early for a change)

now, I'm just waiting to see tom. i'm really excited to spend time with him. i want to spill out so much more on this subject but i'm still a little unsure.
ah! stop being such a girl.

p.s. the time is really messed up on this thing.

i'm sorry i was whack

Wed, 09 Mar 2005 15:33:55 GMT

"Rock won't eliminate your problems. But it will let you sort of dance all over them"
-Pete Townshend

What a crazy day yesterday was..but today is fresh and i woke up naturally to the sun shining in..and i'm hopeful..and i had some great conversations last night because of all the craziness..and i let others help me, which was extremely humbling.

getting ready to pick tom up from class and then going to a body shop to get an estimate on my car..last night, to top the whole day off someone rear-ended me. I was just sitting at a stoplight and this guy in a big explorer or expedition or something huge made by ford rammed into the back of me. But i'm completely fine..just an extra hassle to get worked out before i leave for spring break. Thank God for tom, because i really didn't know what to do and i couldn't get a hold of my mom or anyone for that matter..he is so wonderful. i am learning a lot by being with him.

Her sin is her lifelessness

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 13:45:03 GMT

Just doing some laundry and a little stretching and exercising before class today. It's rainy out. Tom will come over around 11 to have lunch before our WWII class and I will want to just cuddle up next to him and listen to records instead of getting all wet...but we will go anyway and then be sooo glad we did..cause that class is amazing! Our Profesor is great. I took him my freshman year and he is one of the reasons I decided to major in history. I start a new eight week class today called Personal Health..I'm looking forward to it..but I miss my Birth class already..it was one of the best classes I ever took! The professor was also really great. Man, laundry is gonna take forever today because one of the machines is broken..that really stinks cause I didn't notice until I had already loaded it up with clothes and soap. Spring break is sooo close! The only thing that stands between me and the Smoky Mountains are four days worth of classes and a dentist appointment! I can't wait to go...I've never gone anywhere for spring break..I always end up working. I'm super excited because Grace is going and it will be so good to spend as much time with her as possible before she leaves to go home in April..all the way back to Hong Kong! I will miss her so.
Yesterday was absolutely beautiful! I got off of work and immediately called my sister..picked her up..and decided that it was time for me to own a grill..so i bought one! It's lunch time, so we're like, let's get some burgers! Well, it took a whole lot longer than we thought it would to put the grill together..so dinner turned into lunch and we had a bunch of friends over..it was soo great to share a meal that we made! I made salad, mac n chz, green beans, and then we had chz. burgers on the grill. After that we walked to the nearby park and played frisbee and volleyball till it got dark. I am so blessed. I love all those who are in my life..even those I don't see as often bring me such joy. I should let them know that sometime.
Alright..time to exercise!

according to the map we've only gone 4 inches.

Sun, 06 Feb 2005 22:20:32 GMT

Man, i feel good! What a weird weekend, spent it almost entirely alone..except for the time i was with co-workers..Oh well. I want thai food, but no one wants to go!! Getting ready to go to a superbowl party, i don't even know who's playing...I just really wanna be with friends..and my boyfriend! I really am so happy with him. Two tests this week and lots of preparations for the Invisible Children screening..man, I really think it is going to be amazing..people just need to know about it. I don't see how it couldn't touch someone.

"You know the Greeks didn't write obituaries, they only asked one question after a man died: 'Did he have passion?'" *Dean, from the movie Serendipity

P.S.

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 02:40:41 GMT

check out this site: www.invisiblechildren.com

a screening is coming to IU on Feb. 15th at 7 pm at Alumni Hall. If you're in Bloomington you should come! I've seen the film and it blew me away.

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 02:36:23 GMT

"the Spirit teaches me to yield my will entirely to the will of the Father. he opens my ear to wait in great gentleness and teachableness of soul for what the Father has day by day to speak and to teach. he discovers to me how union with God's will is union with God Himself; how entire surrender to God's will is the Father's claim, the Son's example, and the true blessedness of the soul." -andrew murray

Wow. I am really humbled and baffled by how selfish and apathetic I can be. I am so in over my head in some many ways, but thanks be to God that I have a hope! and when i realize how blessed i am, it doesn't seem like the weight of the world rests on my shoulders..i wanna do more, i wanna give more, i wanna live more, love more, kiss more, write more, read more, play more......oh, we'll see. I need to study for my test tomorrow..I am actually excited about taking it because I love the class soo much! It's called birth in the family context and it is basically, amazing! I always leave feeling so inspired..it sounds weird i know..i'm so young..i'm not looking to have children any time soon, but the class is so interesting, and especially the idea of midwivery..i'm really into learning anything i can about that. Okay, well, this is mumbo jumbo mix of things but that's me...I really need to be less lazy when it comes to my feelings, lately, i have just been bottling them up, not really sharing much with even those closest to me..i need to work on that..or at least take the time to write..this is a step i guess.

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 03:19:04 GMT

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

e.e. cummings

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 05:28:18 GMT

"Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread."
-Proverbs 30:8

Thu, 21 Oct 2004 00:48:28 GMT

I'm sitting her with eight pages of notes filled with love and loss, heartache and joy..i see the beauty of the human soul..the perseverance, the hopes and dreams..but i also see the cruelty, the pain that twists my stomach and causes me to wonder how a person could stand up under such tragedy. It's all for this paper I'm writing for this class called marriage and family interactions..I knew this assignment-interviewing a family member would hurt, but this just seems a little much right now. I chose to interview my mom and over the past couple of years we have really started to open up communication. I still wouldn't feel comfortable if she knew how emotional I get when it comes to all the history concerning my dad, but I'm working on not hiding my feelings as much..I guess that's why I'm even writing..before I would just convince myself to toughen up and work harder at being loving and never repeating the kinds of things and pain my dad caused others, but from my time in Thailand, I've realized that God does care about my hurts and does want to bring healing to my life..and He doesn't brush my pain aside..like I so often try to do. I don't want to carry around bitterness and hopelessness..I want to be freed from the past..from the things I had no control over..and I trust that God is good, even when there is so much pain..I want my mom to have this same hope..and I just don't know if she does..I just don't know what keeps her going. Father, reveal Your love to my mom! May there be no question at all that You love her and have good things in store for her. Show her her worth and value. Use this mess for Your glory! Oh, heal my family..it seems impossible, but I have seen Your power and I will trust You! Make me new..don't let this weigh me down..lift me up-out of the pain from the past..give me the desire and strength to forgive. Help me to choose love over bitterness and to not be afraid of being vulnerable to those I love. Finish the good work You started in me...breathe life into these dry bones..restore youth and joy to my soul. Don't give up on me...make me new..

Tue, 21 Sep 2004 12:37:21 GMT

"How scant the words with which we try to describe a single quality of a human being! When we reach the abstract, we are lost. The nearer to nature that the babbling of our lips comes, the better do we understand. Figuratively (let us say), some people are Bosoms, some are Hands, some are Heads, some are Muscles, some are Feet, some are Backs for burdens. Hetty was a Shoulder. Hers was a sharp sinewy shoulder; but all her life people had laid their heads upon it, metaphorically or actually, and had left there all or half their troubles. Looking at Life anatomically, which is as good a way as any, she was preordained to be a shoulder. There were few truer collarbones anywhere than hers."

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 13:16:46 GMT

Ah! so excited about this day..the weather is beautiful..there's just hope in the air..that nothing can upset me or steal my joy..and this joy is so random and spontaneous..yes, i have to go to my four classes and yes, today is my longest day and i have to at least kind of stick to a schedule in order to get some things done..but then, there are so many possibilities! i love to walk this campus, love to have a song to sing..love to have a place to go..love to know there are people walking around today that love me..even if we aren't together..and I haven't felt that way in a while. I feel so free..free to be just me. it sounds so simple and cliched but i honestly feel like being me..and there have been sooo many times where that just wasn't the truth...and the best part is that it isn't about me at all. I am alive in Christ and I will carry the ressurection of Christ inside of me as I walk today...i can't help but write this quote for today..it's too perfect:

the best things are nearest: breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of God just before you. -robert louis sterenson

my appropriate smallness

Sun, 29 Aug 2004 04:40:41 GMT

"Humility is the situation of the earth." -Anthony Bloom

"In one sense humility is nothing more than staying close to the earth. The earth, Bloom reminds us, is always with us, always taken forgranted, always walked on by everyone. It is the place where we dump our garbage. 'It's there,' continues Bloom, 'silent and accepting everything and in a miraculous way making out of all the refuse new richness...transforming corruption itself into a power of life and a new possiblity of creativenss, open to the sunshine, open to the rain, ready to receive any seed we sow and capable of bringing thirtyfold, sixtyfold, hundredfold out of every seed.' Such is the power of humility. As Teresa of Avila reminds us, 'Humility is the principle aid to prayer.' -Richard Foster

Picking up garbage at Griffy Lake today got me thinking about a lot of things and about this quote...it's all too mixed up right now to somehow form these thoughts into words, but i guess i will sleep tonight resting in the hope and the truth that i don't hold this world together..and that is soo freeing. I long to be me..to be honest and vulnerable and loving no matter the cost.

Pray that I get this job as a greenhouse assistant...i want it soo bad i could taste it! I know I would enjoy it and work hard and learn too!

going to bed early tonight..it's gonna feel so nice :)

Thu, 19 Aug 2004 23:42:36 GMT

tomorrow i head back to bloomington..it's so freakin' weird. so much is going on in my heart...this summer has been crazy..but oh so good. this week has been soooooooo much fun. between packing i've been able to go tubing on Taylorsville Lake with some of my family, take a 7 mile bike ride through Hubler's with four of my dear friends, have some really great conversations with friends I've missed oh so much, received mail from Julia and Pi Noon, listened through records I own but hadn't had the time to do so, have almost finished knitting another scarf, looked through old pictures and letters of dear friends and have been challenged to be much more intentional in my relationships, hackey sacked it like i was back in the eigth grade with friends one night at water front park, spent one on one time with my sister at the Falls of the Ohio, messed around with my camera...i don't know why I felt like listing all this stuff....it's just stuff that has really cut to my heart though...that sounds so cheesy, but these things..this week, has made me feel the most alive and responsive to God than I've felt since returning home from Thailand..being back in the U.S. has been much more challenging than I thought it would be. I'm so up and down...so happy and sad..so full of faith and then so full of doubt..so full of hope and joy..and then despair and frustration hit me right between the eyes. Through it all I will cling to Him. He is really all I have and all that matters..and boy am I seeing how true this last part really is. Money is so tight right now..well, it usually is, and yet, I have soooooo much more than the majority of the world..than my dear brothers and sisters in Thailand that I've had the privilege to know. But it's so painful to truley know this..because life in America keeps on going, despite what I've learned..and I have to somehow deal with this. I refuse to conform and give in to the greed and the consumerism, but how do I survive..life is more expensive here, but to quote Viv Grigg, how can I live simply, so that others may simply live?! How do I deny the greed and lust that desperately tries to consume me! In Thailand, I worshipped and sang and prayed through all the heartache and pain and joy and good times..here, I haven't been able to do that so easily. I'm still kicking and seeking but God just doesn't "feel" as near. That's why I can't trust my feelings or emotions..but must remember all that I've learned this summer through the people of Thailand and trust that I don't hold the universe together and while things look hopeless and peace looks hopeless and hunger and poverty seem hopeless, I've seen that God cares and loves all His creation so very much..even me. So, I have no idea how I'll live this school year knowing what I know now..and knowing that I know so very little..we'll see. All I know is that He is faithful..so very faithful.

Mon, 29 Mar 2004 00:53:45 GMT

Something there is about you that I can't quite put my finger on.

Mon, 22 Mar 2004 20:32:14 GMT

bicycle tricyle take me far with my hands on your handelbars. i can't be the homecoming Queen for every boy that falls in and out of love with me.
i won't look back
i've been here before
i've been here before
i'll turn my back
whatever it takes to let him go
flower dress strawberry red
i must confess you're my safety pin
hold me together hide me well
so he cannot tell the state that i am in
rollerskates figure eights
roll me away and i won't complain
i'll bring my raincoat boots and unmbrella so he can't ever rain on my parade.

Sun, 21 Mar 2004 22:45:42 GMT

This break was wonderful..never before have I been so surrounded with people I love. I bought soooo many records..enough to keep me busy listening for weeks..and they were all soo cheap..i was almost outraged that such good music can sell for soo cheap. Now, I'm just trying to organize myself for this week. I can't complain, only one test, which is on Thursday! Russ is coming to visit sometime this week and my sis is coming THIS weekend to stay!!! Hopefully they'll get to meet some of my wonderful new friends. Cross your fingers..I've added another plant to my windowsil..a SHAMROCK plant! It's so fun..but it doesn't look so good right now...we'll see. OH! two of my friends are getting engaged THIS wednesday! I'm so excited for them..it's crazy. I'm one of only four people who know he's going to propose..and it's killing me to know...I'm usually the last to know things..so to be so "in the know"..it's scary..I HAVE to keep my mouth shut. That is hard to do.

Wed, 03 Mar 2004 23:01:34 GMT

i just feel so out of sorts..so down. i just want to be near my family..to be able to mourn with them...and even here, i just want to be near my friends...so they can make me laugh and forget that i am hurting....but instead, midterms. i can't concentrate. today, walking home from my last gardening class...my eyes were opened to how blessed i truley am..that i even get to go to a university..that i even get to take classes i love and that will eventually lead to a degree in history-a subject i am facinated by..it's all breathtaking. i am only here by His grace..no one in my family has made it to college..my dad didn't even make it past middle school. but its not just about school..i don't know..it's all so blurry as to what that walk meant for me..but now, i'm down again..studying alone in my room...no one here at the apartment..suddenly, i feel hopeless again. i realize how quickly the things we love are taken from us. today, waiting outside my psychology class, tears ran down my face...and i tried desperately to hide them..i am not one who can hide things so easily..when i feel like i'm going to cry, i just can't hold it in..i wanted so badly for someone to understand..i felt like such an idiot..surrounded by so many people...i know it's all a process..i'm reading an amazing book right now that is helping me to deal with all this...i don't know...i'm getting tired of books..how to stay soft, open, willing, how to avoid bitterness, and self righteousness..how do i keep from being crushed..how do i keep going? i don't know. but i guess it starts with allowing myself to just feel what i feel..cause i have to be honest, i hate even writing all this..i hate that i am feeling so weak and out of control..i hate that this is so negative and depressing..i hate that ten seconds after i write this i will second guess myself over and over and be fearful that someone will think some way about me..so, i'm just being honest. i am not happy right now..and i don't feel like smiling it off or pretending that i'm having a great day today...i feel like no matter how hard i study, i will be lucky to get a D on my midterm tomorrow..and honestly, i don't care so much right now. i know so many others who have it much worse, but i can't get outside my own pain right now.

Sat, 28 Feb 2004 23:33:40 GMT

Lord, I need You, only. My heart is broken. Last night my cousin, Brad died. Two deaths in my family in such a short time. Please, pray for my family. I just don't understand.

Fri, 27 Feb 2004 17:51:26 GMT

What a beautiful day!

What can i say?! I feel great and this entry is soooooo annoying..but i just felt like writing a little something

Tue, 24 Feb 2004 02:10:25 GMT

Varnished weeds in window jars
Tarnished beads on tapestries
Kept in satin boxes are
Reflections of love's memories
Letters from across the seas
Roses dipped in sealing wax
Valentines and maple leaves
Tucked into a paperback
Guess I'll throw them all away
I found someone to love today
Dark with darker moods is he
Not a golden Prince who's come
Through columbines and wizardry
To talk of castles in the sun
Still I'll take a chance and see
I found someone to love today
There's a sorrow in his eyes
Like the angel made of tin
What will happen if I try
To place another heart in him
In a Bleeker Street cafe
I found someone to love today
I found someone to love today

Wed, 18 Feb 2004 23:15:07 GMT

I am soo frustrated right now! I really hate being misunderstood..and I can't do anything about it. It just sucks.

Mon, 16 Feb 2004 14:50:12 GMT

Harry Dunne: Skis, huh?
Beth Jordan: That's right!
Harry Dunne: Great! They yours?
Beth Jordan: Uh-huh.
Harry Dunne: Both of 'em?
Beth Jordan: Yes.
Harry Dunne: Ah... cool!